The Clinical Instructor

Hello. Welcome to missy-nurse.blogspot.com where I rant and dump my thoughts working as a nurse. 

I would like to share with you an incident that occur today. I have recently be given a role as a clinical instructor (CI) and oh boy i find myself asking my past self you idiot, why did you volunteer to be this role? 

If you don't know what actually a CI does. Here's what our job entails:

​Clinical instructors supervise the clinical practice of students, newly recruited nurses and ancillary staff. They assist the nurse educators in the overall training of students and trainees.

(source: https://www.nhcs.com.sg/patient-care/specialties-and-services/pages/nursing/clinical-instructor.aspx)  

When I was a student nurse, I was grateful to have had wonderful CIs from different places who have guided me amongst other teenagers who like me, landed in the nursing diploma course either because:

A) they don't know what to do after they have graduated from secondary school so they picked nursing because it's a safe bet

B) they truly have the passion to care for the sick and find the job a rewarding one.

If you couldn't have already guessed, I was A. I did not have any passion whatsoever. I just didn't know what to do with my life back then and picked nursing for fun and ended up stuck with it. I wasn't necessarily a rebellious student(though I tend to skip lectures frequently. oh wow what a rebel. ) but I was a stupid one though. I did poorly in exams because I passionately hated how the exam system worked (and I still fucking do). I can't fucking understand why we should memorise our notes and textbooks only to vomit everything out on a piece of paper during exams day. 

How the fuck did I graduate with a diploma after 3 years in nursing school, you ask? Well, it was thanks to my wonderful CIs I had during my clinical postings who made me the nurse who I am today. I learnt so much better when my CIs drilled me with questions about my patients. I finally understood pharmacology. I remember that I learnt the indication of frusemide when I see my patient's oedema of his lower limbs. I understood why the side effect of frusemide is increased urine output. All these medications did not make sense to me during class but when my CI brought me to patient's bedside and taught, everything was clear as day. 

I didn't passed my exams with flying colours, but I passed, nonetheless and deemed safe enough to give drugs (with doctor's prescriptions) to people (my patients) and have the rights to ask people to strip naked (again, my patients) as long as i'm wearing the uniform (with consent).

I wanted to to be like them, the ones who have made learning so easy but now, 7 years later, finally in this role as a CI, I keep asking myself what the fuck are you doing? Because I may look like I know what I'm doing but honestly, I'm clueless as fuck and I pray to god that someone doesn't call me out. 

This is exaggerating of course because I had to undergo a strenuous CI course before I can become an actual CI but I find myself not as good or competent as my own CIs in the past. I find myself stuttering when I can't answer my students' questions, struggle to find the right words just to teach a student how to insert a fucking suppository (but seriously, how do you teach someone how much is too much when inserting  a finger right up someone's ass?). 

Don’t get me wrong. I know how to insert a suppository. I did it so frequently that it's just muscle memory now. But heck, I can’t fucking teach effectively. 

You’ll feel a bend when you insert the suppository. That’s when you remove your finger. I felt like shit, knowing that I am not as good as the CIs I used to have. 

Today, one of my students was ventilating about a bedbound patient who has not been turned and wondering why the actual nurses did not perform 2 hourly turning. Well honey, why can't you fucking do it then? The shortage of nurses is an actual crises. Patients were forced to wait and hold their bladders, bedbound patients not turned because we actually have more urgent things that require us, nurses, to prioritize those urgent matters first. 

So why can't you fucking do it then? Why can't you turn the patient then since you're here to learn anyways? I wish I can shout that right to the student's face but I chose the boring, professional approach instead. I told her this is the real current situation here and asked her what she can do instead (of fucking whining)? After some deep thought, the student finally said she can turn the patient with the help of another staff (that staff ended up being me) and I asked her to follow up with the turning two hours later. 

I was that kind of student. I find myself questioning why the nurses aren't doing something they're supposed to do. How the fuck did my CI had the patience to tolerate me back then? Fucking hell. I would have screamed at myself if I am my own CI.  

After I walked away from that student, I find myself rolling my eyes and I could have sworn steam was coming out at the top of my head. This role needs a lot of fucking patience.